The Devil's Dictionary

[Lighthawk]

http://www.alcyone.com/max/lit/devils/index.html

Some examples found within...

ACCORDION, n.
An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

ADMIRATION, n.
Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

CANNIBAL, n.
A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
CANNON, n.
An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

CARNIVOROUS, adj.
Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

CAT, n.
A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

COMPROMISE, n.
Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

CONSERVATIVE, n.
A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

FOOL, n.
A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war - founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting - such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human civilization.

FRIENDSHIP, n.
A ship big enough to carry two in good weather, but only one in foul.

OCCIDENT, n.
The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

REPORTER, n.
A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

TWICE, adv.
Once too often.

[Tsukiyumi]

[stitch626]

I like fool.

[Lighthawk]

Some other favorites...

DAWN, n.
The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

DEBT, n.
An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver.

DENTIST, n.
A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

DIPLOMACY, n.
The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

PEACE, n.
In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

PEDESTRIAN, n.
The variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.

PROJECTILE, n.
The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion.

TELEPHONE, n.
An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

TELESCOPE, n.
A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

[Sionnach Glic]

Heh, that's very good.

[Nutso]

FRIENDSHIP, n.
A ship big enough to carry two in good weather, but only one in foul.

[Tsukiyumi]

FRIENDSHIP, n.
A ship big enough to carry two in good weather, but only one in foul.

I liked that one, personally.

[Nutso]

FRIENDSHIP, n.
A ship big enough to carry two in good weather, but only one in foul.

I liked that one, personally.

I'm not giving the eyeroll. It's the worried smiley. Hit a little close to home there.

[Tsukiyumi]

Same here.